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Sunday, 15 November 2009

  • It's always shower time when all these freakin' sentimental worldly sociology+psychology talk plays in own mind.

    I figured I might as well blog in the rain of shower. Let the thoughts flow, baby.

    Don't know why I always get oh-so-inspired/think-a-lot, especially on social cycles in the world right now, how the world's generally being shaped, what can I do about it, how am I ascertain of myself. And it's always during shower time. Haha.

    Am more of a people person. Most of the stuffs I thought about, are about people.

    Not gossips/their actions or whatever shit. But rather how people think, like when they are doing certain things, what was on their mind, or their intentions, feelings, and perhaps I've grown up with Fui that I started to analyse how people will feel about certain things, eg. actions I do which may produce certain effects/trigger some feelings on others. In other words, I started to care about what others will feel, especially about the words we utter. That is why, I've always chosen words carefully.

    Life's always like a stage-by-stage game. You completed one stage, win or not, you proceed to another level. If you win, you upgrade yourself to a higher stage; otherwise you make a U-turn, or cross other possible paths. It's that simple. We were born, we went through childhood, kindergarten, primary school, secondary/high school, we've completed a number of stages since then. Life was guided along with the elders, teachers, siblings, seniors, friends - we need not think so much about next step we were going to take.

    Right now, life seems so different that the guidance aren't so clear anymore. The boundaries are vague, too. It always seemed that there are so much possiblities for extension, and so vague at the same time. You don't know should you, or should you not, cross it. There are possibilities, but also risks to take. What might be, what might not be, often be the question.

    To make it even scarier, you are now responsible for your own life. What you do right now will decide how you will turn up later. Ah. Shivering, isn't it?

    Sometimes, am really envious of those who aren't as careful in their lives as we are. Just go with the heart, things will be in a flow. Don't frown. Life can't be that hard, isn't it?

    Haha. However we live our lives, I'm pretty sure that there are always things to be rejoiced about. Life's always awesome. We might not get the best in life, or be in the best condition of all, yet we are capable of making the best out of every situation.

    It is, being grateful, and learning to appreciate, is the hard one.

    I have some dreams to be achieved which am pretty sure I will, someday. Maybe not right now where I do not have the opportunity to, but I believe I'm destined to see it in another way.

    Anyway. A lil' updates about own life.

    Second CA falls after new year. Sien. Meaning I don't get to count down to a whole year with a free heart this year. And studies are a bit slacking right now. Did quite well last CA despite the efforts I've thrown in, passed with distinction for 3, out of 4 subjects. Know I can be better, did not exactly do my best I guess. But considering the slacking condition I am in right now, I doubt I can do better. And like there is no end to the studying and memorising @@. The assignments which I dislike. Argh.

    Just spent a lovely weekend with Love. Enjoyed the bond we've always shared. Always felt like the happily just married couple with you. Am so, so, comfortable with you around. That am not even embarrassed for you to dig my scary whole bunch of ear waxes! LOL. Will never forget your excitement when you look into my ears, laughing and running down to get all the digging equipments, then started your healer job like a professional, holding the torch with your mouth, focusing on the little hole which was full of disgusting yellow waxes. LOL. As you dug and plucked, I sat still, watching you - and there emerged the sense of, true happiness.

    Though I seem pretty cautious that I kept remind you to be careful and not to quiver on any occassion, I knew, I put a hundred percent trust in you, believing that I will never be hurt with you around.

    And you finished with a group of disgusting flappy looking dry waxes. Gave up on those deeper ones. We laughed, we kissed.

    Will so miss those moments when you're not around.

    Ah.  =)

Wednesday, 28 October 2009

  • Turning points

    Reason for not updating LaFinas for long?

    Was too afraid to see what I've written. Am afraid to be reminded of the pain.

    Haha. Don't worry, I promise you LaFinas, that I'd come here more often and update as frequent as possible.

    It's the first week of the second module. Promised myself to switch a healthier habit. Hehee.

    Last week was really what I needed, I guess.

    There is time for me to recollect memories of the past, incorporate them into the present to figure the standing I'm on right now. Sometimes, you know, it's really good to reminisce about the past. It makes you realise your strengths as well as mistakes, thus shaping you into a better individual for a better future. I've probably done quite a number of silly things before, things which would make me smile and laugh at the naivety I once possessed, even till now. Nonetheless I'm pretty sure that I've done something which I am very proud of.

    Haha. To cut the story short. Been through 5 years of naive high school times. That was quite a first turning point in my life. Known the bestest friends one can ever get in life. Form 2 I guess, was pretty much a big turning point for me. Changed from an introvert to rather an extrovert, sometimes too hyper I guess. But am proud of myself that way. I know I was happy, and the things we did, weren't superficial kinda stuffs. Never knew there are sweeter priorities in life, and never knew having to experiencing different 'firsts' with a group of very good friends can be so satisfying. They taught me that. That is why, I've always treasured these people and never would want an end to our friendship. Hah. I believe we will not come to that point.

    Ah. The sweet old times.

    Another turning point of the nineteen years of life will be when I was seventeen. That one year, I've learnt and experienced more than what I could have done so in my past sixteen years. I learnt to do things on my own, to establish new friendsips and create bonds - these people, once again made a huge impact on my life.

    One thing I'm very sure of, is that I am indeed a very lucky person.

    I realised at every point of my life, God's always given me what I needed the most. And I am very, very grateful for that.

    He knew I was weak and had lost my focus. I was destined to go to Taiwan for a year, and learnt from other people's stories, the determination in those people, the will to achieve their dreams. They really, inspired me a lot. And at that point, I knew exactly what I wanted to do.

    I may have failed to continue my battle there, but I know that I am very proud of myself. Have done things which I never thought I am capable of. And one thing, the friendship we've established we knew they weren't on-the-surface kinda thing. Very lucky that a bunch of people whom just get together and with a click, the bond is deeper than we thought. For now it might seemed that we aren't as close anymore but at least we know that one year means more than anything to us.

    You know, the heart has been so out of balance before this year. Especially throughout high school years and last year. Once again, I was lost. Last year was probably the toughest I had to deal with the heart. It seemed that the mind was pretty much negative, couldn't help but only to digest negative stuffs in, causing so much dissatisfaction in the heart, etc etc. Grades were good, have learnt from the previous year and was very focused.

    And once again, I was blessed abundantly - with good friendships.

    Really grateful.

    And a peaceful mind marked the start of this year. I do not know why but it seems that I've quite forgotten about how I used to feel. Haha. Taught in a primary school, SJK C Tun Tan Cheng Lock. Praises from the parents as well as the teachers proved to me that I've done a good job. "Your parents should be very proud of you. Many parents as well as teachers I've known of sing praises of you." "My daughter really favours you and looks up to you, like a role model kind of thing, you know." Haha. Six months of sweat and sorethroat and complains at times lol, is creating so much of memories to me and I really, really miss them a lot at times. Dying to see them and know how they are doing. I'd seen them for a certain period and that was their cutest, I know I'd be pretty shocked to find out how they have grown, in the future. But I know I'd be very proud of each and everyone of them.

    Really miss them! My Heather, H'ng Kang, Yi Xin, Si Kai, etc. Oh.

    July was another turning point of the life. Went on trips with friends, bid farewells to bestties, ah. You know this year's farewells, somehow it seemed like 'oh this is it.' You know, like right now, yes, at this very moment, we are parting each other and the goodbyes felt like forever. Like, we are so seriously gonna embark on our very OWN journey and probably living very different lives in the future. Each of us are going to find our priorities in life, on a quest to search for the call in our life. And this is not going to happen if we are still marching on the ground, not wanting to be separated from each other. We somehow managed to sort the best pathway for us at the moment. And walk it. See how we go on. Though being on different continents each of us now, the bonds we've shared however, will remain intact, this I'm sure.  

    July 7 marked something wonderful in my life. And the date when you held my hand, I'd never forget it for life. August 16 2009. Was near to 3pm I guess. Haha. Venue: G2000 in Queensbay, Penang.

    I treasure every single detail and time we're spending together. Never in my life I felt that life's so wonderfully stable, that I have enough and just contented in life.

    You're really, the best thing that has ever happened to me.

    Really grateful.

    =)

     

Monday, 31 August 2009

Saturday, 02 May 2009

  • Searching for the Answer

    My second entry of the day, I'm so tired. So tired of just crying during my free time, sleep after am tired of crying, then wake up crying again.

    At this point, it isn't just about the Love anymore, it is how I see the world, how I feel about being in this world.

    Why are we born to this world in the first place? If things as simple as feelings and the heart, things as simple as that I could not even have my own say in it, that I have to give it up to reality, why are we here?

    Seriously, why are we here?

    I do not have big dreams like others do, my dream, other than to travel around and see places, is as simple as bringing smiles to people and helping around, as much as I could. I just hope to see people smiling because of me, the hearts are full with Love and Hope somewhat because of me.

    But what does that mean? I feel, so what?

    Even if I am able to help, even the world is a better place, so what?

    Everything seems meaningless to me at this point. We're just mere shells with the structure of what we call humans having a tour in the world, aren't we?

    We fake everything, even we try to convince ourselves that we are always being true and sincere. We smile when we don't feel like it, we follow what should be the plan for us. It is all fake. Fake. Fake. Fake.

    And we all go away eventually. We leave. So what is the point of having that tour, in the first place? Does that signify anything?

    This is all negative, I know. When we aren't doing anything wrong, yet we couldn't follow what the heart says, I really don't understand - why are we here.

    Answers, I pray.

     

Friday, 01 May 2009

  • Torn between

    I don't understand I don't understand I don't understand.

    So many thoughts swimming through my mind I couldn't sort them out. So many feelings in my heart I'm dying to pour everything out I just couldn't manage them.

    Why?

    Why reality hurts so much? Why even, mankind created such complications in the first place? Why when everything seems right, this turns out to be wrong? Why?

    It is shallow. It is such stupid mentality. It is just what our minds do, we confuse ourselves with what seems right to the world out there, what we should be doing, instead of what we really wanted. Why. Why must we follow what others are doing, instead of listening to our very own heart? When I do believe in mine, when I finally found the courage to believe in, this tear me apart.

    I don't want to hurt anyone, but what rights do I have to hurt myself.

    Made a huge mistake of being honest. In a jolly mood of believing she might be accepting this with an open heart, maybe she's changed, maybe I could convince them, maybe this could happen, maybe, maybe, maybe. I just wanted to be frank with people who matters to me. What happens next, are the change of expression on her face, screamings in the mall, poisoned words, lecturings, cryings.

    I feel so so so tired of arguing and crying. Sobbing into sleep, waking up with tears. The pain just never got better. I really don't understand.

    Things they said. 'course I've thought all about it. Was too a rational person and for once when I decided to go with the heart, I only hear sound of shattering hearts.

    We don't choose who to fall in love with, we just fall. We don't choose who to have feelings with, it works with the heart. I'd so love it if I could choose who to have feelings with, life could be so much simpler, even perfect, but that wouldn't be true, isn't it? That is not Love. Who am I to talk about Love anyway? I'm just 19, I know nothing, I'm so naive I live in fantasy world, it is the Real World you're living in now dear.

    But one thing I know, this feeling is real, it is genuine. It is not something I could explain, it is not something anyone can understand but me.  

    How fair is it to tear me apart like this. I know they love me to want the best for me. They know I love them and couldn't possibly hurt them. But how fair it is to have myself hurt, like this. And it is not like this is a crime, I do nothing wrong. I just fall in love. Is that wrong.

    I don't do this to rebel, I don't do this on purpose, I don't do this to make them mad. It just happens.

    Why do we have to blind ourselves to the outside world? Why should we kidnap our feelings?

    Taking that aside, it is the disappointment I felt. The whole mentality is so wrong, the community is heading towards wrong direction. If this generation just give in to what the elders say and succumb to the society's customs, how could the world ever get it right? If we don't stand on our beliefs, how could the world ever attain peace? It is so wrong, so wrong, so wrong. What's wrong with having dreams and trying to live in it? Why must we do like how they do, dress like how they dress, talk like how they talk? This is absurd.

    What lies outside is just a surface of skin, zillions of cells which shed and grow again every second, the external which does not equal to eternity. It is what's beating inside, which counts the most.

    The Heart.

    When you peel the surface away, it is the Heart which keeps people connected.